Monday, June 11, 2007

Ebb & Flow

There is a natural ebb and flow to this disease.
I know this intellectually and I celebrate the ebbing.
Days with no fatigue.
No autoimmune issues.
No b-symptoms.
But then WHAM, the dragon hits again.
On the good days, I nearly forget that CLL is lurking.
The recent three weeks have been difficult with all the associated issues that a disregulated autoimmune system bring:
migratory dermatitis,
persistent, painful mouth sores.
Tomorrow I see Dr. Bengston at Dartmouth Hitchcock Medical Center. Copies of the excel spread sheet that I use to document autoimmune and b-symptoms was mailed a week ago along with a list of questions for discussion at our meeting. I also proposed that we look at returning to the high dose immunosuppressants used last year for AIHA. One side benefit of that treatment was a knocking back of the autoimmune sequella for about about eight months.

Friday, June 8, 2007

Like The Lillies in The Fields

I love June.
The cool mornings,
the warmth of the noon-day sun
comforting breezes
the riotous color of spring gardens. . .
Our little side garden is just popping now.
Today our very first poppy appeared, tall, blood red and beautiful
surrounded by 3 foot Asiatics that will be next to unfurl their petals.

The little garden is hardy:
it survived the unseasonal winter warmth
and late cold of May that was followed by lots of hard rain.
It survived
persevered to thrive:
first, the daffodils
grape hyacynth and tulips
now poppies and lillies.
I want to be more like the flowers in my garden.
Withstanding the unexpected
Celebrating days of strength and energy.

I want to learn to accept the days of fatigue and fever
mouth sores skin eruptions intestinal pain
when I haven't the energy to work, to play, to cook or to eat.